Dealing with Divorce?

Single again after more than two decades of marriage felt very strange to 47-year-old Holger Bucks of Grayslake.

“It was surreal at first,” said Bucks of getting divorced after 22 years. “It wasn’t the expectation I had. It just turns your world upside down.”

Even that, Bucks said, is an understatement. His ex-wife and two children moved out of state, he sold their long-time home and moved into a townhouse. Suddenly, Bucks found himself a bachelor.

“It’s different not having the same routine that you did for so many years. Not having the kid’s activities to go to, or just the way of life I was used to living,” Bucks said.

As soon as his marriage began to crumble, Bucks said he went into ‘support mode.’ “I wanted to take a proactive approach,” he said in helping his daughters, ages 20 and 15, deal with the separation.

So he joined Divorce Recovery, a support group offered through The Chapel.

“It’s so helpful to have the support while going through the same thing that others are going through.” Bucks said.

The program touches on a variety of subjects including the road to healing, depression, being single, parenting, forgiving your ex and growing your spiritual relationship. Several past participants and church leaders also lead the group with their testimonials.

“We really wanted a place where people could come and not feel dismissed because of their divorce,” said Cathy Woodside, recovery and support groups’ manager at .

“When you go through a divorce it’s very easy to make the same mistakes again in your next relationship,” Woodside said of the focus on helping people grow and deal with themselves, while still taking accountability to why the relationship didn’t work.

“The idea is to come into the group and focus on you, how you can grow and your reactions to certain behaviors from others,” Woodside said.

Support for Kids Dealing With Divorce

Perhaps one of the more unique things about the divorce support group at The Chapel is the support group offered to kids who are dealing with separated parents.

“Kids often feel they are to blame and have to choose sides,” Woodside said. “They want someone to tell them it’s OK to love both parents, and it’s OK to feel sad.”

Jackie Patton of Gurnee separated from her ex-husband when their daughter was just 2 years old. It took five years for the divorce to be final.

Patton said while Sophia, now 7, doesn’t remember her parents together, “kids know more than what we think they know.”

Patton said, “sometimes she would just lay there in my arms and cry and she wasn’t sure why.”

Sophia joined the Divorce Care for Kids while her mom was in the adult group. “She knows she is going through the same thing as other kids so she can process it a little better.”

For Jackie, joining the support group five years after her divorce was a way of moving forward herself. 

“I had gone through what I could on my own and I was just really looking for something else,” Patton said. “I just thought it couldn’t hurt to try and I was so surprised I still had a lot to deal with that wasn’t expected.”

Bucks agrees that dealing with a divorce, whether it be one year or five years later, is a work in progress. He now helps lead the Divorce Recovery program. He said while the information the group offers is very helpful, the people connection is more important.

“You see people who really are so broken when they come into the group and they come out of the process and are really healing and growing. You are vulnerable and these people become your friends.”

The next nine week session for Divorce Recovery and Divorce Care for Kids begins September 12. The group meets Monday nights from 7 – 9 p.m. at the Libertyville campus at 1200 American Way.

The groups are open to new members at all times.

The Chapel also offers a variety of other support groups for topics including Grief Recovery, Single Moms and an Employment Ministry.

For more information, contact The Chapel at 847-281-3325 or through their website.