So there it is. Me in all of my 12-hours-of-drug-free-labor-and-then-a-c-section glory! The day - the moment - the whirlwind of a transformation that turned me from Kristen (me myself and I), into Mom, mommy and mama. And that little person there responsible for said transformation? Well, he is turning 5 this year! And close behind is my daughter who will be turning 3. Where has the time gone? Way back when while I was waddling around and painting a perfectly blue nursery I would have never in a million years been able to foresee the change about to occur in my life. I clearly remember sitting in the middle of his room folding his teeny tiny clothes trying with all of my might to imagine what it would be like to have an itty-bitty baby there sitting beside me. It was impossible! I also remember driving home from the hospital with him sleeping in the backseat in his carrier thinking "What in the world have we gotten ourselves into??". Quick glances followed by nervous smiles were exchanged. I suddenly seemed to have let basic biology slip from my already sleep-deprived brain as I wondered how on Earth this baby came to be and why was he in our backseat? Certainly WE couldn't have produced this sleeping/crying/pooping machine!!
There is such an incredible change that takes place once you have that little bundle in your arms. The others (i.e. friends who have not yet gone on this journey - also referred to as the "free ones") have NO clue what you are going through. They couldn't possibly. Late night phone calls reminded me of this on a weekly basis. "Hey, why don't you come out and meet us for dinner tonight?" "Oh yeah, there is a party this weekend - Saturday night!!" "Yeah, that would be SO awesome to get to stay home all day and play with a baby!!". Yes, indeed, they do not understand. What they can't possibly know is that as a new mom your brain goes into survival mode and you no longer notice the social happenings around you. Instead, you begin to focus your energy (what little of it remains) on the important things in life. Like trying to remember if you washed your hair or not in the shower (that is assuming you were able to fit in a shower during the day). Or picking up the phone and attempting to get through a conversation without the uncontrollable screaming that inevitably breaks out as soon as you dial. Or, my favorite, savoring the rare moments where you can get several hours of uninterrupted sleep - in a row! (on a side-note, if you think that the sleepless nights of caring for a newborn are going to be the same as the sleepless nights during college when you could stay up all night partying and still make it to a 7:45 am lecture feeling good-to-go - you will be sadly mistaken. This I learned quite quickly!). Also, as a new mom it is very easy to feel alone. All of a sudden your normal group of friends start slipping off the radar and you are left with a baby who can't talk and an episode of Sesame Street to keep you company. I do not believe I am alone when I say the transformation at first can be a bit depressing, if only due to the lack of contact with other adults. I was talking to a friend recently who just had her first baby and is on maternity leave. She said she sounded awful for saying it, but she was not enjoying being home all day. All she could do was watch the seconds tick away on the clock waiting for her husband to get home. I get it for sure! I remember those days quite clearly. When Leo was an infant I would take him to the grocery store literally almost every day just to have something to do to pass our time! And I still have days like that where I watch the clock in anticipation for Brandon to walk through the door. I still sometimes feel alone and feel like I have nobody who could understand what I am going through. But, as I tried to explain to my friend, those moments are fleeting and before you know it you will have more of a little companion and less of a crying helpless baby by your side. And you will miss the sleepless nights because with those middle-of-the-night feedings come seriously precious cuddling time that goes by oh so fast.
It can be easy to sometimes wish to be given, if only for a day, time from B.B. ("Before Baby") where all you had to worry about was yourself. It seems a distant memory the times when I could come home from work and do nothing... or do something... it didn't matter what I did! Run off to the store with nothing but a wallet in my hand. Take an impromptu vacation. Eat cereal for dinner because I just didn't feel like cooking. I sometimes catch myself having slight twinges of jealousy as I see some of my friends jet-set around the world on amazingly romantic vacations or go out late at night for drinks not having to worry about what time the kids will be up the next morning. But the fact is that no matter how difficult it is in the beginning to adjust, there are so many crazy amazing mom-moments that the "free ones" don't get to partake in just yet. For every decorative piece of art or vase I've had to commit to the basement for the sake of child-proofing, I get priceless handprints and finger-painted masterpieces. For every hour of sleep I've missed out on, I get days at the park or the pool that I never want to end because I get to witness the pure and utter joy of kids just being kids. And for every intimate moment I am missing with Brandon because of these little additions, I get smothered with hugs and kisses daily from the most loving and innocent people I can imagine. The trade-offs cannot even nearly compare to the life I was living before my babies came into my life. Hearing a little person say "I love you Mommy" - it has the power to literally melt your heart into a puddle of tears. Trade all of that to be "free"?? Not a chance in the world!
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